Unlimited Tales

Unmasked

Let me share with you a piece of my story. A part of my so-called adventure that truly changed me in one way or another.

The sexual preference I have right now isn’t innate. I was never born gay. No one was born gay, I believe (even if some claim they were).

I never played Barbie Dolls or paper dolls. I never played ‘bahay-bahayan’ or ‘lutu-lutuan,’ the usual games girls play. In fact, I was interested with action figures, toy cars and books, then.

But to be honest, I enjoyed playing with little girls rather than little boys then. I was aloof with boys. Maybe because I was raised by my mother within my childhood years. Maybe because girls were dominant in number than boys in all sections I belonged with during my elementary days.

But just out of the blue, there was this feeling that bothered me. The feeling of being different from the boys. The feeling of being one of the girls in an unexpected way.

I have the feeling that I am quite different when I was on my 6th grade, and was triggered during my high school years. 

I was afraid then. Afraid of the reactions of my parents, friends, and relatives. I still even remember when I was on my first year high school. A girl friend of mine asked me, “Bakla ka ba?” Of course, I answered no. She didn’t grab that, instead, she shouted on me, saying, “Sumama ka nga sa mga lalaki. Baka matuluyan ka.”

I actually did that. Once or twice. But since the aloofness I had whenever I’m with guys were still intense, I still went back to my girl friends.

Just to prove myself and to others that I am not a homosexual, I tried courting a girl. She was one of the performers on our section. She is actually prominent in school since she’s also active with extra-curricular activities and academic competitions.

I wrote a letter in a tore piece of paper from my notebook. I gave it to her friend so that she could give it to her.

The next day, her friend was smiling at me. A smile with a meaning. She handed me a paper. I went to the men’s restroom and inside a cubicle. There, I read the message. I was busted. I cried, but I really don’t know why I cried, or maybe I really don’t know if the tears were sincere. 

That was my first and last time I courted a girl. Because after that, I focused on studying. I focused on academics. Not until my junior year in the high school university.

I joined CAT, a military organization comparable to the college’s ROTC. There, I was obliged to be more manly. There’s even one instance that my commandant called me in the office. She had those stern eyes pointing at me like a dagger. Then she asked, “Bakla ka ba?”

I paused for about 5 seconds or so. I said no, and I doubted that she will believe it.

But I never heard anything from her after that. Maybe she knew that I was still having an identity crisis.

For me to prove that I am not really gay, I focused on CAT, on its training. Until I became an official officer of the organization.

The senior year, the judgment year that is. I had a new set of friends on that year. Three girls and a boy. They are the most liberated students I ever met during that time.

I thought that they will ask me the usual question I always get whenever I meet new friends. But no. They just let me in their company. They stayed, without asking.

I had a crush from one of the senior boys as well that time. My friends noticed it. One of my friends actually asked me, “Crush mo si _____, ano?” And automatically, I nodded. I even don’t know why I nodded.

Surprisingly, her answer was, “Okay lang yan. Ilakad kita sa kanya? Gusto mo?” That was a joke, obviously. But I took it seriously.

From then, I started to get out of my nest, out of my comfort zone, and try the things that my heart and mind wants me to do and feel. And for the first time, it felt good. Infinite. Like I was imprisoned for about 14 years and is now free.

Time passed. We attended a retreat in Capuchin. One of the activities is that we need to talk with each of our classmates and tell whatever you want to tell.

It was time for me to talk with one of my bestfriends. I still remember what she said, “Magpakatotoo ka lang sa sarili mo. Makikita mo, tatanggapin ka rin ng lahat.”

And suddenly, tears rolled down. Unstoppable. Because I know that their intention was good. They didn’t push me to be someone I might never wanted to be. Instead, they pushed me to think, explore, realize, and decide to be someone I would really like to be.

The way I see it, acceptance from someone is the key for them to finally accept the fact of who they really are. For in the first place, one would always be afraid to show who they really are if no one believes in him.

This is not to push all confused out there to finally spread your wings and tell the world who you really are. This isn’t only about the sexuality itself, either.

This is to remind you that it needs a lungful of courage to step out of your shell and grow in the way you would like to be. It needs a lot of determination to step your foot forward and convince them that it’s the best. And it needs a lot of trust from you to see that you’re not alone, and that there are people who believe and will always believe in you.

As for me, I am happy with what I have and who I am right now. Everything might not be in the exact place right now, but still, I do what I like and show what they would like me to see.

And of course, I follow what my heart and mind wants to. I hope that you’ll follow yours, too.

LOA

Had my check up earlier.

And it almost lasted for more than an hour.

Hindi na tuloy virgin ang ilong at tainga ko (because the doctor needs to scope)

LOLs.

Diagnosis: Acute Rhinosinusitis, Tonsilopharygitis: Allergy vs Viral, Viral systemic infection

Tss.

Natapos rin ang pagfifile ng LOA (leave of absence).

At last.

Wuuh.

Sooooo…

Let’s sleep naaaa.

BTW, please, take care of your health.

Mahirap magkasakit.

Promise.

=/

Respect begets respect…

Oo, alam kong gasgas na yan.

At oo, alam kong alam na yan ng halos lahat.

Pero gusto ko lang iemphasize ito.

Nainis lang ako kanina sa aking nakita.

Ito ang eksena:

Si ahente ay kinocoach ng accent coach dahil sa accent complaint ni ahente from a guest.

Nasa katabing station ako nang makita ko sila.

Maayos ang usapan nila. Malumanay.

Makaraan ang ilang minuto, napadaan ang isang supervisor sa bay na yun.

Yung supervisor na napadaan ay ang direct supervisor talaga ng ahenteng ito.

Tumigil si supervisor.

Humarap sa ahente.

At ubos-lakas na sinabing, ‘Ano’ng ginagawa mo rito? Bumalik ka na sa station mo!’

Pagalit. Pasigaw. At rinig ng halos lahat ng ahente dun.

Mas lalong rinig na rinig ko.

Nagpanting ang tainga ko. Pero wala akong magawa.

Halatang napahiya si ahente. Halatang napahiya rin si accent coach para sa ahente.

At kahit ako, napahiya ako para sa ahente niya.

Kaya nga may tinatawag na PDM (Performance Development Meeting) ang ahente at supervisor para mapag-usapan ang mga dapat mapag-usapan ng sila lang dalawa.

Oo, may mali si ahente. Pero hindi mo kailangang ipagsigawan sa buong floor.

Kaya ka nga supervisor eh, to ‘supervise.’ O kung di man niya naiintindihan yun ay tatagalugin ko na para sa kanya. Ang supervisor ay nandyan para tulungan ang ahente upang mag-improve, at hindi para ipahiya ito sa bawat maling ginagawa nito.

Ang pagdidisiplina at ang pagkakaroon ng karapatang disiplinahin ang isang ahente ay hindi ipinagsisigawan. At mas lalong hindi ipinagmamayabang.

As if namang hindi ka dumaan sa ganoong point.

Nakakainis lang.

Kambal Tuko

Patuloy ko pa rin siyang minamasdan kahit ilang dipa man ang layo ko sa kanya. At sa aking bawat sulyap ay nababanaag ko ang tunay niyang nararamdaman.

Matagal-tagal ko na rin siyang nakakadaupang palad. Sa una’y tila aso’t pusa kami sa maraming bagay na hindi naman agad mapagkasunduan. Ngunit nang dumating ang panahong kailangan niyang gumawa ng malaking desisyon ay ako ang kanyang nilapitan.

At mula noon, hinangaan ko siya sa katapangan niyang taglay. Sapagkat hindi lahat ng tao ay pipiliin ang landas na hinahatak niya ngayon.

Masaya niyang pinanindigan ang desisyong pinili niya. Ngunit sumalubong sa kanya ang isang taong susubok sa kanyang tatag. At dumating ang panahon ng kanyang pag-amin, pag-aming sa paniniwala ko ay matagal niyang pinag-isipan.

Ramdam ko ang kanyang pananabik. Ngunit kalaunan ay naramdaman ko rin ang pait ng katotohanan. Kitang-kita ko ang bawat pagpatak ng perlas habang pilit niyang inaalo ang sarili. Naroon ako upang siya ay damayan kahit alam kong wala rin akong magagawa.

Ngunit sutil talaga siya nang mapagdesisyunan niyang ipagpatuloy ang kanyang balak kahit bigo ang kanyang unang aksyon. Ramdam kong bukal sa puso ang bawat galaw niya upang patunayan na maganda ang kanyang intensyon. Sana nga lang ay ganito rin ang nararamdaman ng taong pinagpapakitaan niya nito.

Pilit ko siyang hinahatak palayo. Pilit ko siyang itinutulak sa ibang landas sapagkat hindi ko rin mapigilang maawa sa kanya. Ngunit wala rin akong nagawa. Sapagkat mas malakas ang pintig kanyang ng puso kaysa sa buga ng hangin mula sa aking bibig.

Hindi siya nakuntento sa aking pananaw. Bagkus ay humingi ito ng komento sa ibang taong itinuturing niyang pangalawang pamilya. At tama ako, alam kong ganoon din ang sasabihin nila sa kanya.

Hanggang isang araw ay ginulat na lang niya ako. Narinig ko ang bawat yabag ng paa niya papunta sa ibang landas, landas kung saan siya ang mas makikinabang.

Naipinta ang ngiti sa aking mukha. Sa wakas, dilat na dilat na ang kanyang mata. Sa wakas, natutunan na rin niyang maglakad.

Ngunit napapansin ko na ang bawat yabag ng paa niya ay malakas. Umuugong, na tila mabibigat ang bawat bagsak ng kanyang mga paa sa lupa.

Hanggang sa nakita ko ang katotohanan. Hanggang sa siya na mismo ang nagpakita ng katotohanan sa akin.

Dahil sa kanyang paglalakad ay hindi pa rin niya mapigilang lumingon sa lugar na pilit niyang nilisan. Hindi pa rin niyang maiwanan ang nakaraan, at nag-uumapaw pa rin ang kanyang kagustuhang makamtan ang dati pa niyang inaasam.

Alam kong masasaktan muli siya kapag hinayaan ko siyang tumakbo pabalik sa kanyang pinanggalingan. Alam kong muling babaha ng luha kapag muli niya itong binalikan.

Ngunit alam ko ring mas lalo siyang masasaktan kapag hinarangan ko ang daan pabalik sa kanyang nakaraan. Sapagkat ito ang gusto niya. Kahit ayaw nito sa kanya.

Kaya ngayon, narito lang ako sa malayo. Pinagmamasdan siya sa kanyang mga galaw. Patuloy pa rin ang kanyang paglalakad, at patuloy pa rin ang kanyang paglingon.

At anuman ang maging desisyon niya, papanoorin ko lang siya mula sa pwestong ito. Hahayaan ko siyang madapa muli, sapagkat alam kong makabubuti ito sa kanya. Hindi para mamulat siya sa katotohanang nakikita ng iba, ngunit para matuto siyang ipaglaban ang bagay na gustung-gusto niya.

Sapagkat ramdam ko siya. Oo, ramdam ko siya. Dahil iisang dugo ang nananalantay sa aming dalawa. At iisa ang kaluluwang naninirahan sa aming dalawa.

Sapagkat siya at ako ay iisa.

PS. Walang kwenta ang pamagat. Bow.